Materialising fears – Princess in training Moscow (entry 11)

I heard once that 2012 is connected to a time of intense materialization, that you will materialize what you think and fear faster than ever…

I don’t know if that is true, but I think it makes sense to give it a thought…

 2011 will go down in my personal history as the year I started to live my fears. To live them is a start – to conquer them is the next step. To be able conquer my fears and grow into new roles I started my work with the MachoTherapist. If 2012 really will have this power of materialization (as it feels it already has) then I’d better be able to handle my fears.

 Symbolically there was one challenge and one city above all that made a huge impression on me last year.


Things went south in other areas of my life in many ways in 2011 but this small step to south EAST (From Finland) might have just been the best I have ever made.

 Moscow represents an unconquered territory of fear, fun and fortune for me. Like a part of my brain I never got to conquer before. So if fears will be materialized faster this up-coming year, then why not take the bull by its horns and do things that make you spooked on different life areas?

I was sitting in the airplane on my way to Moscow, and for the first time in a long time I was NOT afraid that the plane would crash when it lands.

 You might be wondering why?

 Well because crashing was a WAY smaller fear than facing the challenges in Moscow. It was a nice feeling actually, sitting comfortably and thinking: Well at least dying in a Lufthansa is “safe”.

 Kidding aside, Lufthansa brought me safely (like a German pilot should) to my destination and I realized that it’s not the fear I need to conquer, but my attitude towards my fear.

So coincidently my first lesson in Moscow was about:


I’m not used to taking part in business meetings. I do have an education in startups and small business but I am mostly trained to read people, deal with emotions, to coach and treat bodies – so sometimes only working with a mental approach (forgetting about body and emotions) makes me feel insecure.

 It became especially obvious  when I had a couple of tele-conferences to prepare coming to Moscow and got impressed by talks about KPI’s and IPO’s. And besides of that as I understood business in Russia is a whole other ball game, full of challenges and you seriously need to watch the ball, since it might be doing things and flying to places you did not even dream of.

But as it turned out, I learned something that I consider much more important than excel sheets, gap analysis, Likert scales or knowing a great deal of terminology… (although I love learning about them and having team members who speak that language fluently).

We met one morning to go for breakfast. My boss looked at me and my presense for a moment and asked me if I ever thought about what nourishes me?

Ummm… ?

Yes, but we’re about to have 6 meetings today, so could we use the time to prepare? I need to be clear…

His way of preparing for meetings is different, I should have known we would not go through information or reports. We would prepare the body, the feelings, the presence… for the day.

He said my body looks like I would be holding on to the last piece of energy I have, being afraid I will not have enough to last through the day…

“It seems you are lacking a lot of power, (not only food)”, he said.

The only thing that ran through my mind was:

“Duh..haa… I am stressing – we are working with ”mind power” now, I need to be professional, I need to know things. I’m not supposed to have fun or be too human. Not now!”

 I was trying to cut out a lot of my fears and ”human” parts to be able to be intellect and professional, as I thought a professional is. What happened was that I stopped talking and looked like I was half dead.

 Great, thats the way to go!

It turned out that my boss needed to remind me a little about his view on professionalism. For him being professional is to be human, to feel, to deal with emotions and humanity – while knowing your job.

He took a moment to think. I could feel him contemplating the perfect excersice for me that morning before our meetings,

Tan – Tan – Tan – Tan…Tan-Tan…



“Go on DANCE!” 

(Yup…I didn’t think that was a part of my job).

As much as I like dancing I felt like kicking and screaming, I hated the feeling of not being in control, not knowing what to do, being insecure and afraid. At the same time feeling a HUGE need to enjoy and have fun…but suppressing it inside of me like a lunatic. It represented perfectly my trip to Moscow… being there but trying to cut out feelings and emotions to be able to fit in. Telling myself I need to be something other than myself…and actually not really knowing who “myself” was with these new people. So I was afraid to move because that could cause a feeling. Afraid to talk, to make a mistake, to be too human and too little business…

He looked at me dance for a while (as I was trying to make it look GOOD) and asked me: “Have you ever danced just to express yourself? Have you ever just let your body move without trying to make it perfect?”

No, I haven’t…

Control, fear of life, control, fear of failure, control…

He told me to go a little crazy, shake my hands, shake my body… let it move.

And I did… I didn’t feel better… I felt pissed. But at least I was feeling…

He asked me how I expect to be present with other people today if I don’t allow myself to be present for myself…?

What a good question!

Topics loaded – Thanks!

So if I am afraid to move myself – how will I successfully move other people?