Princess in training – Running an update (entry 12)

You know how computers get full and start running slow, and you need to sit and wait as that annoying “beach ball” circulates, and circulates, and circulates…and circulates…? While your mouse is refusing to move no matter how well you imitate a hissing cat?!

I have a bad habit of thinking that I have an endless amount of space and can just fill it. Or that my space can be organized later… (yes well, we all know what happens when later comes…)

“Space is our capacity of consciousness” – Thomas Hertlein

It seems it’s not only computers that need space to function. Our brain needs space to function as well. Someone asked me today about my “Princess in training” blogs and why I stopped writing them. Well, you might say I’ve been running a system update and had a beach ball circulating in my life the past couple of years.

Life changed and I took on a new position. From princess to queen one could say. Instead of assisting, I became a business partner and CEO. It was a huge life change. From a life of traveling, being more or less free to decide where I want to be in the world, to a life of responsibility, growth and planning. I guess some would call that “A.D.U.L.T”

If the capacity of our consciousness is something like 10% of our brain functions and inside this space are those life-topics and body topics we deal with daily, then how to make space for new things, if this 10% is already full with the life we live? Is this 10% organized to support our current life situation, body and role? What happens when I want to change my role? What happens when I need to run an update?

Well I’ll tell you what happened to me: a system melt down. My old way stopped working and the new way needed a lot of space making…

Here’s what it looked like in a simplified way:

Princess 2.0.  Traveling, Studying, Experiencing, Body, Magic, Spirituality, Mystery, Sharing, Freedom, being young, making mistakes and writing about them…

Queen 1.0 R—–E——-S——P——-O——N——S——-I——-B——I—–L—–I—-T—Y

My space was full. Turned out that “Queen 1.0” comes with a little zip-file called “responsibility” and when I opened it, out jumped a BEACH BALL about the size of my brain.

Glog…glog…glog…said my life and body. Queen suddenly had a business to think of, be responsible, make decisions, understand a new world, act appropriately in the new world, get results, represent…

BEACH BALL, BEACH BALL, BEACH BALL….

ERROR404 ERROR404 ERROR404

SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING

In my experience my brain-body works a lot like a computer. When my space is full I need to organize it, I need to delete some files and have an extra hard drive to store information on that I don’t need anymore to make space for the files I do need. But how do I know what I can delete from my life? Do I need to delete something or is it more about reorganizing and re-prioritising?

My biggest challenges came when I tried to keep all my files, not letting go of the past, trying to squuuuuuuueze the future in me somehow – keeping the old rules. But it’s so clear: “If you want something you never had before, you need to do something you never did before”.

So, the way I had organized my life in the past did not support me to get new results. Trying to hold on to the past made it even worse. With the end result that my brain-body started to slow down and become stupid. Beeeeeacch baaaaall!!

The old way did not work and the new way did not work. I was stuck in limbo. Fighting for my old ways and fighting to get to the new…. So what then? How can you start to make space when you are completely full?  I won’t try to make a long story short – but you can read it here: BURNOUT – It’s a collection of my best tips on how NOT to make space.

As glorious as it sounds, I went down in flames, my hard drive got fried and I am not sure I updated to “Queen 1.0” – but something did happen. I started to grasp the topic of “responsibility” in my life and to make space through it. I would love to say: Now I finally got it. Now I finally have the magic key and know how to use it. But as Thomas said: “The magic key is about building bridges – from one you to the other.”

Today I think of responsibility as a “magic word” instead of a curse that destroyed my life  🙂 and my system is not rejecting it anymore, but trying to build a bridge from free as a bird life to “responsible-free-as-a-bird” life.

Now it remains to be seen, if I will ever be a queen or if I am actually much more useful in a different role. My first bridge is a big fat cliché, but I learned that leadership starts with myself. My achilles heel was and still is “self responsibility” – starting from taking care of my basic needs to then taking care of my responsibilities.

It took me a long time staring at a beach ball and burning out to find a base to stand on and admit that I have no clue how to lead myself, lead others or to lead a business… I got blinded by responsibility and thought: Since I have it – I should know how it works.

Lately I’ve had these notions of feeling different. Kind of like a new woman is starting to emerge out of me. I don’t know her that well yet but each day I learn something new about her. I saw a quotation somewhere the other day that I liked: “For things to change you have to see them through the eyes of a new person”. I guess that is the key. Make enough space for that new person to emerge.

Then each action I make will have a new consequence because it is made by a new me.

XoX Emmi

Advertisements