Princess in training – The girl in the iron armor (entry 13)

My mentor told me today that I have a “very special gift” – the gift of being “immune to feedback”, that he rarely sees a person as stubborn as I am. Someone who has the ability to ignore virtually any feedback that comes from the outside and just keep on going “my way”…

It’s like I would be wearing an armor that does not allow any feedback to come in and I keep on walking (in my armor) towards my destination. It might be a way to succeed; not allowing anything to knock me off my course…

But it has a price. 

If that armor is designed to protect me from feedback, from un-known attacks, from doubts and the “knocks” from life that try to push me off course, then it might be that the same protection that I think is supporting me is also preventing me from receiving the beauty of life….

The sensual touch, the loving hug, the breath of the wind, how the sun warms my body, a tender hand playing with my hair…

What if the protection I wear to be able to reach my destination is the very thing that takes away the joy and meaning of reaching that destination, because when I reach it – I will still be inside my armor unable to feel the breeze, the touch or the sun – unable to share the destination with those I care for?

Imagine you are standing on a moving walkway and you start to walk in your armor on this walk way – you are proud because you feel yourself moving. But something strange is happening. You walk and you walk and  you walk but things just stay the same. You feel clearly that you are not where you left off and your body is doing constant work. You made a step. Or two.

It would not be fair to say that you don’t move, because you do move. You are covered in armor, your movement might not be light, but you move. You are kind of used to it feeling heavy. You are used to waiting for something or someone to try to knock you off your feet and push you off your way. But you don’t care – you have decided to move and you move.

Sometimes something manages to push you off your feet, your armor shakes and you have a hard time getting up – but eventually you do. Because while you were on your knees you saw how far you have come, you felt your own power, you felt yourself breathe through the cages, you saw changes, everything moved… the heavy load was not for nothing – You feel empowered, happy and it gives you more strength to carry on…

But what if your armor had been protecting you so well that you didn’t see the strange things happening around you?  What if  while you were so busy concentrating on “I will not give up”, you didn’t get the messages from your surrounding that would help you? What if you didn’t see the people waiving at you to turn around and let go, because the walkway is actually designed to take you to the opposite direction and it would keep on moving even if you didn’t. And what you would call “results” would keep on coming even when you didn’t feel heavy and tired…

My mentor continued the story – he said that this power and strength I have is amazing. If we would be a football team, I would probably be an excellent and powerful player – the only problem is that I keep scoring in my own goal because I don’t get the feedback about what’s happening on the field.

So here I am in my armor. Within my limits. Getting to know them. Something knocked me off my feet. I am planning to get up – but before I do, I’m really thinking if actually slowing down and not moving at all is more effective than the way I have been moving? Seems that when I slow down and start to look around – life happens, that warm breeze of the wind happens, that touch of a person close by happens, the smile of a loved one happens and there are so many more options to enjoy movement…

I haven’t decided yet if I will take off the armor, if it is safe to move without it…

To this Thomas said something that made a lot of sense: “Why would you take off your armor? Leave it on. Don’t try to fix everything at the same time. You never practised another way of protecting yourself, so if you take it off you will hurt yourself… First get secure, stabile and safe and then see where you stand, start feeling your surrounding and what kind of attacks there are ( if there even are any), – Then start practising a new way of protecting yourself. Taking off the armor would be totally overwhelming, so start small – take it off gradually, piece by piece – and when you are ready you can start exploring life without it. But before that excess information will be painful – so do it slow…”

xox – Emmi

 Inspired by the work of Thomas Hertlein

 

 

 

 

Advertisements